I am honored to be given the privilege to blog about the inspiring book,  Live Second: 365 Ways Of Making Jesus First.  This book, written by Doug Bender, makes a deeper look at my relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. In his book, Bender writes about ways, one for each day of the year, in which a believer should live his or her life; with God and Jesus as the number one priority. Please check back on Monday, Thursday and Friday of this week for additional posts on living a life second to God.

Release

Have you every held on to an emotion, even though you knew deep inside it was bad for you? For me that emotion was grief.

 The scripture in the Live Second book says,

Then the master called the servant in. “You wicked servant,” he said, I cancelled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you? (Matthew 18:32-33)

I have to forgive myself?

For a long time, I had felt that I that I never “fit in”. I often used the analogy of a “square trying to fit into a circle.” No matter how I tried, I was never the popular girl. I was always different than everyone else. One thing that set me different than others was the fact that it was my responsibility to take care of my parents at such young age. As the only child, I had to help care for my mother who battled cancer. While the other girls in my class were going off to prom and school parties, I was taking care of my mother and the house and working on homework. When it was time for me to graduate from high school, instead of selecting an out-of-state college, I picked one in my home town. That way I could stay at home with my parents. My mother depended on me to be there to care for her needs. My daddy worked hard to provide for his family, so he could not be there to care for my mother. I believe it was a part of God-given my purpose here at a time when my parents needed me the most.

My mother battled cancer for a long time. Some days were good days and some days were not so good days. I prayed for my mother to be healed and made whole, however she went to be with the Lord in 1994, the year I graduated with my master’s degree.

I would ask the Lord,  “Why why did she have to leave me?” She was not only my mother she was my best friend. I knew in my heart that the Lord did not take my mother. This was an attack from the enemy. I was so angry with myself because I was being blamed for my mother’s death. At this most challenging point in my life, I almost shut myself down from the grief and the anger. I had to release those emotions and cast my cares onto the Lord. My daddy was still here and I had to live to fulfill God’s purpose for me.

Soon after I married my best friend in 1999, my daddy started showing signs of dementia and was frequently falling.  It got to the place where I could no longer pick him up. I had to make the decision have him move into an assisted-living facility. That was one of the hardest decisions I had to make in my life. I felt as if I was throwing my daddy away even though my husband and I visited him everyday. The assisted-living facility could only did so much. He started falling more, so we had to find a good nursing home for him that could provide a higher level of care.  My husband and I found a place where he had his own private room.

As time went along, my daddy became more unresponsive and not knowing who I was. One night at the nursing home he suffered a major heart attack.  I was not there with him? I was not by his side? He’s gone! He’s gone!

Feeling of emptiness and alone, not having any earthly parents here with me.

But God.  Yes, but God.

My parents are always with me. They both accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior, so to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. I know I will be reunited with them in Heaven. I had to get that in my heart and to release the grief and anger. I asked God to take that feeling from me and He did just that. I miss my parents, however I had to change that anger and grief into thankfulness that I have God loving parents who instilled in me the word of God.

My name is JTwisdom and I Am Second.